Alabama, Florida State, South Harmon Institute of Technology, Michigan, Ohio State, Jacksonville Jaguars. Names synonymous with college football excellence. Now undeniably crossing that threshold of college superiority is our once modest UMBC.
Three years ago, commissioner of the Southeastern Conference, Greg Sankey and his associates said screw it and secretly sought to remove Vanderbilt University from their 14-team conference.
Despite their 9-4 overall record in 2013 and a bid in the BBVA Compass Bowl the school has historically been an absolute dumpster fire when playing in conference. Since 2000 Vanderbilt has had only one winning record within the SEC.
Worst of all, the Nashville based school had easily the dumbest nickname in the conference. The stupidity of the “Commodores” as a potential mascot is only rivaled by the University of Tennessee “Volunteers”. Tennessee’s marketing staff at least had the decency and brains to use an adorable pooch named Smoky as their mascot.
Vanderbilt on the other hand employs Commodore who is essentially a sweaty freshman in a foam naval officer costume. It is likely a dude within a costume of a dude. Very creative, ingenious even. There is absolutely nothing more appealing, absolutely nothing sells merchandise more than a cartoonish old white guy with mutton chops.
Nevertheless, the SEC forcibly removed Vandy to spare their fan base any further embarrassment after a game against Louisiana State University. In a valiant effort, the Commodores fell 72-3. LSU coaches entered halfway through the 4th quarter and scored 14 points behind the legs of a then 60-year old head coach Les Miles who also tallied 80 yards on six carries.
As of that day, the conference desperately searched for a replacement, though, pitting other SEC teams against literal planks of wood would likely gather triple the viewership that Vandy could ever muster. Meanwhile, a small “up-and-coming” school from Catonsville scurried to build a football program from the ground up.
UMBC created a huge profit to fund their football program by selling what they called “actual food” instead of the synthetic slob it previously forced students to eat. Then a month or so later by some unearthly, ridiculously senseless miracle, UMBC was granted the spot.
“The University of Maryland Baltimore College is known for its outstanding athletics, bountiful parking and spirited alumni so the incorporation of a football team was simply the next logical step,” said an official.
Now in 2017, as the NFL Draft approaches quickly, UMBC’s program heads towards a tremendous milestone as junior quarterback Harvey Stewart looks to become the first Retriever to be drafted with the first overall pick. No one in the draft is a match for Stewart despite some questionable personality issues, as they are easily trounced by his talent and intelligence. Stewart is a once in a lifetime athlete whose only foreseeable flaw is his overzealous embrace of UMBC’s spirited night life.
ESPN draft expert Mel Kiper currently has Stewart going first to the Cleveland Browns who will likely trade him to a title contender in exchange for a spool of yarn, a Princess Bride Blu-Ray disc and a rumored 16 gummy bears.
Stewart has absolutely wowed scouts since his first start. UMBC is undefeated through its first three seasons and the left-handed quarterback is undeniably the squad’s cornerstone. During his UMBC tenure not only has he won and started every single game but he has not thrown a single interception in his career.
In fact, he is the first quarterback in NCAA history to go, not one but three full seasons, without throwing an incompletion. He is essentially a godly 100 percent in every relevant offensive category and scouts have raved about the six-foot-seven gunslinger.
“If I didn’t know better it would seem like Stewart is invisible, like he is not even on the field. The defenders just cannot seem to contain him in the slightest. Heck, I have never even seen the guy take contact before. He is a phantom with every move in the book,” one scout stated.
With Stewart’s imminent first round selection, the school’s students eagerly await the day that they may tell people they go to UMBC and have those people legitimately understand what that means. Having people react with actual intrigue rather than, “Oh … You mean College Park?”.
So while Harvey Stewart is just one athlete, the impact of his selection will be immense and will finally prove to many that dreams do come true and that you can be entirely fictional and still get drafted by the Cleveland Browns.